The Things We Leave Behind

Does anybody know what time it is, does anyone really care, its funny how time changes its meaning the older you get? Ask anyone who has lost a loved one this question, if you could spend a few moments with that loved one what would it be worth to you. I’m willing to bet my soul that most would pay all most any price to buy back time, yet while we are living we really never pay anything for it not even the attention it deserves and until you loose something or someone close to you, you’re never really awakened by it.

I lost my brother on March 15, 2006 and it reminded me of the things we leave behind. For me personally it was the suit of amour he always wore. i always felt he was protecting me, not in the usual brother who kicks someone's butt for you kind of way but more so with his life experiences and his way of making you understand that life is a battle gear up for it. Anyone who loved him, like I could see through the amour and see the man he really was inside. He was talented beyond belief in many ways. In remembering my brother,I'm reminded by the ones he loved the most, his wonderful wife Kay and his beautiful daughter Chrissy. To both of you I am blessed to have you in my life, And today time is bought back for all of us who loved him and his wondrous stories, his charm and his love is for us to share. Chrissy I cant love you the way only your dad could honey but i love you with all my heart. You have much more of your dad in you than you know. When i look at you and your babies iam reminded of what a miracle your dads life was. His hand is still on you making sure that your breathing and that your smiling everyday. I will leave you with what your father left for me, and what i can give to you.

If you ever loose sight, i will paint the world for you, if you loose your arms i will hold you forever, If you loose your legs i will carry you wherever you wanna go, If you go deaf I will sing to you anyway, and if you loose your mind, I will gladly go crazy with you. Don't ever loose your heart honey, its the power that plays the projector of the wonderful memories that you have of him, But Chrissy, If you do loose heart than you can have mine honey because mine would never beat without yours. Today put on an old record, one that he would love, smile and dance it's what he left behind for only you. And if my heart knew anything about your dad it knows this, Its the one thing he had in his mind when he left this world. I love you.

Uncle Mark

The Greatest Fans On Earth

Someone asked me the other day what I wanted to be when I grow up…….

When I was 10 years old my life was consumed with a game called baseball, there was nothing more I wanted to do than play ball. It started with a simple walk home from school one day. I walked home everyday and when spring came that year so did the fresh cut grass and a smell I can remember to this day. I use to sit in the bleachers and watch the guys throw the ball around, and try to get up the courage to ask my parents to play. The only scary part of asking them was that I knew what the answer would be and I knew I wouldn't like it. We were less fortunate than some other family's and I knew my parents wouldn't be able to afford the uniform, glove and shoes it took to play the sport.
After about a week I finally did ask my parents if I could play, it was at the dinner table where we usually talked about events of the day. My mother the one that usually made all decisions in our family looked at me and said son, there is nothing I would love more than to watch you play ball but we just can't afford it. I remember looking at my father as I was pleading my sales pitch; he had an expression I remember to this day. It was one of frustration, I knew he wanted me to play and know he felt bad that I couldn't so I left it alone. About a week went by since I had asked them to play when my mother found a way to get me into the game. She borrowed some shoes and a glove from a friend who had a son that played and had extras. They somehow came up with the money to pay the fee and I was in.

That year was one of the greatest of my life, I made the all stars and played every game. The following year I had spotted a glove in a store where my mother and me were and I begged her if I could have it. The one that I had borrowed was bigger than my hand and the webbing was worn and loose. She told me that I would have to make due with what I had. I occasionally would ask from time to time for that glove but was always greeted with the same reply. When the season began I was as happy as any kid on earth I guess, I was playing the greatest game on earth and I was good at it. Again that year I made it to the all stars. We had made it into the finals and I had hit a home run to put our team up with one inning to go. We had two outs and were up by one. We just needed one out do something no other team in our area had every done, make to the regionals. They had two guys on base when the batter hit a hard fly ball that I picked up off the bat and had a good jump on. I stretched out and made the catch and as I was falling to the ground the webbing of the glove broke and the ball fell out of my glove. All I could think of as I lay there on the field crying was that If my parents would have just bought me a glove that fit me than I would have made the catch. I laid there until almost everyone had left, that's when my father walked out and stood there with me. He never said a word and we looked at each other, words were exchanged but never spoken. The look on both of our faces was enough said.

I lost interest in the game after that in fact I didn't pick up a glove at all. My mother and father were constantly asking my brothers to try and get me to play ball with them in the yard but I really didn't want to. The fresh green grass gave way to the brown sod of winter and Christmas was soon on us. My parent had already told us that the Christmas was going to be tuff and so should we. None of my brothers or sisters asked for anything and we were gearing up for a nice Christmas dinner together and enjoy each other company. That Christmas morning was the only year I can remember my father having to call me down to the Christmas tree. I was usually the first one there to see what was going to be there. Much to my surprise there were some things there and it was nice. I was helping my brothers and sisters clean up the mess we had all made when I kept hearing this popping noise coming from the other room. Everyone seemed to know what it was but me, and by the look on his or her faces they did. As I stood up to walk in the direction of the sound my father came around the corner. He had a ball in one hand and the in the other was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was the glove that I had asked for, it was the perfect color, it had the perfect smell and as he stood there throwing the ball into the glove it had the perfect sound. I know what that glove cost and I know that everyone of my brothers and sisters did without that year so that I would play what I was born to play. Me and my dad played catch in the front yard that year under a grey sky, there was no green grass, no bleachers or bases to run. Just me and the babe playing catch together while the greatest fans on earth watched from the window of the second floor of our home.
So you asked what I want to be when I grow up….. I want to be that guy that I played catch with in the front yard, I want to be the people that gave up everything for me and watched from the window so that I could live my dream. I want to be my mother who always found a way to make me smile. If I can just be that than I know I can do anything in this life with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

Remembering the boy and becoming a grandfather

I got a glimpse in the mirror today and although i am older today than yesteryear i got a look at the boy i use to be. a time when my parents were alive and what their love really ment to me. I hope and pray that my kids feel that way about me. They are my everything, my best friends. What i have learned from them is everything. I started out like all fathers with no experience at all, flying by the seat of my pants. The restless nights, the worrying when they were sick, watching them sleep at night and wondering why they stopped breathing for a second. They always seemed to be teaching me to do the right thing even when it was wrong, they alway looked at me as if i knew what i was doing even when i had no clue. My kids are older now and lead their own lives, the days of watching every-move they make are over. I'm sad, not because i don't have that control anymore but more so that i feel like I'm gonna miss something important in their lives. My daughter Charlotte is having a baby, It wasn't long ago i had to let go and give her to the next man in her life, he is now the one that watches over her, the one that she shares things with that are important and as a father that might be the hardest thing to let go of. My daughter is a beautiful person inside and out, she has a way of making any day better. When she met Adam i guess i had every reason not to like the kid, I mean who was this guy that wanted to come in between me and my daughter and demanding all this attention that i use to get. The thing is i couldn't find one thing about him i didn't like and as much as i wanted him to go away, all i can say is I'm glad he stayed. I love this guy like my son he is a wonderful caring person and Charlotte is a lucky girl to have found him. To Adam and Charlotte thanks for reminding me of the boy i use to be and the grandfather i soon will be. My heart is full of excitement and love for the both of you. May God bless you both with what i have experienced being your father Charlotte. your the love of my life.

My Thoughts These Days

Today was a warm and rainy day the sunlight had just about surrendered to what was going to be a perfect evening just outside my window I could see the moon glow over a freshen breeze and once again summer time is upon us. A good time to look at ones heart and examine the contents inside. My heart is beginning a new its time to dust off the cobwebs and repair the unilateral cracks that make up my heart so many memories, so many good times and I guess one big break that had stopped my heart after my wife had ended our marriage. Life is getting back to normal though, I have been breaking out of the season of unhappiness and slipping into what is to be the second part of a lifelong series of understanding what makes a woman happy. A woman is so different than a man, its hard to comprehend this when you have fallen into the same routine day after day, but one quickly remembers this all to well when your left alone with your thoughts. My thoughts are bringing me to a better understanding of a woman’s heart and how she loves, something I want to feel again and something I want to return in a much different manner this time.

What is it about love that sends us searching, sending us to the top and back to the bottom again? Like the air we breath its everywhere, I watch it everyday in all forms good and bad, when its good its really good and even when its bad its still good. Do we really choose whom we love or are they chosen for us? Isn’t all love for good, I really don’t think God cares who or what we love, just that we do. The object of my affection these days is just a thought of a sweet woman with a sense of humor a lot like mine; she is always on my mind. There are times I can’t take my eyes off of her and then times when she’s not with me she is as present as if she were. She would become the sunlight on my pillow that wakes me up in the morning and the last thought I have before I close my eyes. I can see her becoming every wish I care to make. She is my masterpiece and although not created by my hand I really feel she was created for me, leaving me with this thought, I can’t wait to see her again.

Bennie

Just around the corner on the outside of the Houston Skyline lies an intersection, Its surrounded by four traffic lights, a street light and a grassy knoll that sits just off the right side that was perfectly framed through the plate glass window I was looking through. You could just make it out through the writing on the glass advertising the great burgers the place sold. I had just sit down to eat my lunch . That was the first time I ever saw Bennie. He was a little man that wore a brown suit, it was to big for him, his shoes had no sox or shoe laces and the tie he was wearing hung past his waist . He had a felt covered hat on that looked like something out of the thirties. I don't know why but my first thought was that he was homeless, although he carried no sign and he wasn't asking anyone for money . The little man in his late sixties or early seventies had his left arm extended in front of him and his right arm bent at the waist like he was holding on to someone. His slow motion took me a second to figure out that he was dancing , even his face appeared to be pressed against another. I couldn't take my eyes off of him as I sat there and eat my salad. I watched him for about an hour , finished my lunch and went on my way. As I left that day I kept him on my mind, enough so that it brought me back the next day.

The weather was bad and it had been raining most of the day so I really didn't expect to see Bennie there, but much to my surprise as I turned the corner, there he was dancing in the rain. I had thought to myself that if I did see him again, I would invite him to have a burger with me. I covered my head with my jacket and crossed the street and asked him if would like to have some lunch with me. He continued to dance, his eyes were closed and I got no reply, so I turned around to head back across the street when he spoke. "could I have a cheeseburger" I turned and said sure if that's what you like. I'll join you just after my dance he said. I crossed the street and positioned myself in line and ordered us two cheeseburgers, fries and two milkshakes. I waited at the counter for the order and by the time the food was ready , Bennie had made his way to the same table I sat at the day before. He was dripping wet, I've watched you dance before I said, and your quite good but your going to get yourself sick if you dance in the rain. He looked at me and said " the rain washes us clean, the sun helps us to grow, and love my friend takes us where we want to go". Fair enough I said. We didn't talk much after that, but he did tell me his name, mostly keeping his head down. The whole time. After we eat he stood up extended his hand to me and thanked me for his lunch. It was the first time I really got a close look at Bennie, My first assumption had been right, his face was unshaven, his clothes were coming apart at the seams , his little hands were worn and dirty, and his face looked very tired. He obviously hadn't taken a bath in sometime. Listen I said I come around here quite often, would you like to have lunch again sometime? He smiled and said I'm here everyday at noon. Good I said I see you again soon Bennie.

It was a few days before I made it back to that side of town and although I hadn't seen Bennie he was on my mind for some reason. As usual when I pulled up he was there in his favorite spot dancing. As I got out of my truck I noticed he stopped a second and recognized me, I have to admit that brought a smile to my face, I yelled out I'll be at our favorite table. I ordered his favorite meal and when Bennie finished his dance he joined me. I had stopped the night before at the drug store and bought him some shaving crème and a razor and in a bag I had brought him a pair of socks and t-shirt and some clothes to wear, I placed them on the table and told him that the bag was for him. He never looked at them. He was a little more relaxed this time and asked me my name. I had told him my name the first time we met but he didn't remember. You like Music he asked , Yea I love music, You like Jazz? One of my favorites I replied. Bennie then opened up like a music box and talked for a solid hour about all the greats, Like Billie Holliday Miles Davis Louis Armstrong and even sang a few lines for me. I got a kick out his love for music. After we finished our burger He, like before extended his hand to me and thanked me for his lunch pick up the bag that I had brought for him and placed it under his arm and said good bye.

I didn't see my friend again until the following week, He joined me again for lunch. He looked tired and he was wearing the same clothes, and nothing that I brought him. His face was very stubbly and he sat quietly with a slight shake. He was eating his lunch with a good appetite. I wanted to ask him if he had any kind of family maybe with the hopes of helping him find them but couldn't bring myself to ask the question. Instead I asked something silly, Ever been in love Bennie? He finished his bite and smiled at me. What's her name son? Excuse me I said, She does have a name doesn't she? Yes I replied with a chuckle . Let me tell you something about love he said. The key to a woman heart is to wear her favorite suit. Wear her favorite suit I asked. Yes A woman has many interests, you have to find the one that leads you to her heart. For my love it was dancing. I met her when I was twenty at a dance that me and a friend of mine attended I didn't know a thing about dancing but we had heard it was good place to pick up girls. I wanted to play sports or maybe be the president he said with a smile, but that all changed when I saw her for the first time. If a woman cares enough about you to lead you to where heart lives you better listen and learn, So I learned to dance. I married Connie a short time later and over a few years we became very good at dancing, so much so that it became a dream of our to dance on the big stage. He could tell that I wanted to ask the question about where she was so he went on to answer the question without me asking it. We had a child after we were married, so we sit our dream aside for a while so that we could raise our son. As he got older he began to get himself in trouble running the streets, He would stay gone for several days at a time and it took its toll on us. One night he left and didn't return. We had all but given up hope when Connie received a call that day from one of his friends saying that they thought had seen him. Connie went to find him and while driving the car she was broad sided by a drunk driver who ran a red light and she was killed. He then described her to me with such emotion and with such vivid animation that I felt that she was sitting there with us eating lunch. She was tall with long flowing hair, a funny smile and a soft voice. She could dance like an angel and sing like Billie Holliday he said. He was growing tired and I could see by looking at him that he was feeling just about every emotion that God ever intended for us to feel in a lifetime. He stood up shook my hand and thanked me for lunch, I thanked him and told him I would see him soon.

As I lay in my bed that night remembering every word of Bennie's story it occurred to me that the reason he wasn't wearing any of the clothes that I had brought him, was because he was wearing her favorite suit. He had been wearing it for some time too, and I as fell asleep I took with me the vision of he and his beautiful wife dancing. I saw Bennie for the last time on December 11, it was birthday and I wanted to see him so I drove to the diner. As I turned the corner I didn't see him. I parked my truck and went inside. Bennie was sitting at our table. His face was clean shaven, his suit was clean. He was wearing the sox and belt that I had brought him and the t-shirt just under his freshly pressed shirt he always wore. His hair was perfectly groomed and he looked ten years younger. Bennie! You look great my friend, he smiled and said your late. I got the feeling he had been waiting for several days. I told him to sit tight and I would order our favorite meal. I returned with our burgers, he didn't eat much, He looked anxious I finished up my burger while he watched. We sat in silence for a few moments and then he spoke. His eyes were focused and his expression quite, for twenty years I've been coming here to dance he said, and twenty years I have been invisible, not because people couldn't see me, but because I didn't allow them too. I never came here to dance for them that was a dream that was shared by two and lost long ago, I came here to dance with her. He then looked out across the street at where he had danced for so many years and when he turned his head back to look at me he had a tear running down his cheek. I have saved the last dance for her everyday at noon right there at that intersection, That's where she left me, and what a dance it has been. He then asked me, who will you save the last dance for. Bennie then stood up but he didn't extend his hand to me as usual we stood and looked at each other for a few moments, I wanted to say something but couldn't get the words out, he could see it on my face. I put my hand out for him and he grabbed my arm and pulled me close and kissed me on my cheek. He turned around and walk away.

When I first met Bennie I never knew that I would be the one being saved. His wondrous stories of love and life will change my life forever. He had the spirit of an angel, the wisdom of a wise man, and the heart of a child. Bennie opened his heart and aimlessly pulled his bow back and shot, I was just the lucky one to be in it's path. I drive by from time to time but have never seen him, A few weeks ago I stopped to eat our favorite burger, I couldn't bring myself to look through the window, I guess I'm a little sad but there is a part of my heart that hopes that someone needed him more than me and maybe Bennie found his way home, I still miss my friend. When I finished my lunch, it begin to rain outside. I put my jacket on opened the door and stepped into the rain. I took look at Bennie's stage again. The light pole that erected from the center of where he once danced flickered on, and with the rain and dark clouds it became a spotlight where he once stood. It was beautiful, I walked across the street, stood under the light, took my jacket off and whispered this is for u. I extended my left arm straight out and put my right arm around her waist and I danced. I danced for Bennie, I danced for my children, I danced for the ones I love, and I danced for all that loved him.

All the world is a stage for those who care to watch. The next time you turn the corner and see someone dancing , it might be worth a second look. Who knows maybe they are saving the last dance for you.